What comes with introversion is regret and confusion
What comes with attempts at verbalising all the fleeing thoughts in my mind is silence
What comes with making sure to dot all the i, and cross all the t’s is I have some how lost the I in team
I realize after all the sessions and sightseeing I still fall short
Falling short of carving up enough courage to traverse the seemingly difficult terrain to my dreams
My dreams and fantasies of wholeness, reciprocity, and warmth
ideas so far removed from my daily mindless tasks I see them as unattainable –until you
Shifted my ideas on time, space, and the in between and bewitched me into trying
Trying a new perspective, new mode of communicating, interacting and connecting
as soon as you felt comfortable –I grew into a snail of a woman
Shy, uncouth, unsure, and perplexed
So contrary to my normal pride and upright temperament about life
now second-guessing and insecure
When all the power and love I ever needed was deep inside my breast–
If only I had the strength to keep reaching in –
At this point- I had become tired
tired of disappointment and laborious emotional conversations only lasting for an evening suitable to your work and study schedule
tired of not having the companion I truly desired or the values within a partner that mirrored mine; whose intention, whose fire matched mine
Like match for match in Uganda kush sessions at Nyege Nyege- that’s how strong I wanted my piece to match yours.
Services
I offer services in research design, museum exhibit curation, and humanities and arts curriculum design and teacher trainings. I offer a free 15 minute consultation and goal-setting session for interested clients. If interested please see the “Contact” page. Research Design As a research assistant with the library and digital services, historical research, and in teacher…
Origins
Mariah A-K Bender, our founder, began this WordPress account in 2013 to document her first time living abroad in Tanzania. Since then, the page has also grown to reflect the medium and spaces required to describe and narrate the experiences of people whose histories are not always fully expressed in the mainstream media. Yet, the…
Distance
When I held you near my heart only seeing the rising and falling of your chest I felt a rush of calmLegs and thighs intertwined only seeing my deep ebony shade as a backdrop to your caramely dewy skinScared to shift sides and lose our heart to heart connectionWatch your eyelids flicker debating rising to…
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The art of discernment
The art of discernment: We must discern for ourselves what is right: Job 34:4 This simple scripture has definitely guided my time here in Cameroun. Through two weeks of discernment, observation, and intense reflection I have decided to leave and resign from the African American Academy for a number of reasons. One being, the school’s…
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Oddities
There is an odd feeling.Encompassed and suffocated by one’s infliction of their feelings on youWhile you attempt to sift through your own self-loathing and self-deprecating thoughts, you find yourself blocked. You must make two separate piles – one for yourself, which you treasure and hold for your own space, and one inflicted on you by…
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Uninvited Battle
You come unannounced raging with vulgarity and hatred crushing any thoughts or confidence I once had Intruding happy ideas and dreams with shrunken realitiesParanoia circles around my head like flies circle around a dead carcassWhat’s dead is me – what’s been eaten alive is my soul, wishes, goals and thoughts Right when I feel as…
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Untitled c.2017
Her eyes could warp you and reel you into her realm of euphoriaHer dimples carved into her cheeks like small caves shone when she flicked her head your wayHer voice half raspy but depending on the person could turn syrupy when she was making a demandHer bust wide and large enough to be your refuge…
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Loss
All things tangible and wrought with feelingNow numb, distant, surrealIn an instant, I held you was your courier on the hunt for giftsNow, unemployed and confusedStolen from me, your smile and laugh no longer shake the walls of this houseOnly the echos of my wails melt into these wallsThe innumerable usies you demanded to ensure…
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