You come unannounced raging with vulgarity and hatred crushing any thoughts or confidence I once had
Intruding happy ideas and dreams with shrunken realities
Paranoia circles around my head like flies circle around a dead carcass
What’s dead is me – what’s been eaten alive is my soul, wishes, goals and thoughts
Right when I feel as if I finally had escaped the dark place where evil lurks and toxic thoughts singe my mind like fiery coals- you return.
You return with a vengeance and with a new goal in mind; eliminate thoughts of reciprocity.
You were not alone in this new mission however, you sought out someone to help you take me down
exploited my craving for a seemingly verbal and affectionate partner
you coupled it with his soft caramel hands, intense dark brown eyes, and strong and comforting arms. Damn, you’re good.
Here’s where your genius came in though, to which I bow to your bastardly ass; you let him think he loved me and I loved him. As soon as he muttered the affirmation I needed and we were one and I was no longer me, but a melted distorted version of him.
Our words and limbs were as tangled up as our sheets after raucous lovemaking; chanting I love you, between kisses as you dove deeper inside my warmth until my spirit spilled over already disheveled sheets
Our intentions synced as seemingly as bluetooth reminds you that your car is indeed always connected to you
Then , your co-conspirator did as you demanded- he let me go -be it ego, fear, selfishness, disinterest he let go and breathed a sigh of relief to be free
But, as the door slammed, and he clocked out of his task of loving me, my realities checked in – it was you behind it all signing the timesheet, approving time and days off; plotting, waiting, scheming all until I got comfortable to release the security guards valiantly guarding my fragile heart.
Then he exploded: “I can’t, this just is not right for me, I cannot sacrifice my own happiness for you.” What my brain interpreted as those words flew from his plump pouty lips was “You are not worth it, I consumed what I felt necessary, I choose myself rather than try and warm you and kiss your scars.” I had no choice but to raise the white flag and concede to you once more.
And, alas, you won- I was broken, shattered, and again deeply fractured.
And though, I am sure this will not be your last attempt, it will for damn sure be my last battle I come to unprepared.
Like the scrappy underdog underprepared with tattered uniform and puffed up chest, my mind will be sharpened and renewed so that the next time you decide to pop up; my heart and mind will remain committed to possessing the very concept you refuse to let me have- a full love covered in honey and dripping with compassion.
-M
mariahgoesabroad 