One year ago I was planning a huge move to Douala, Cameroon for work at a school that seemed like the perfect fit. One year ago, I was consolidating my life into two 22kg suitcases and two carry-ons. One year ago, I was popping malaria pills and stressing out about delayed flights and lost baggage. But, I was excited, the energy palpable, I was starry-eyed and bursting with joy and excitement at what awaited me in a new country with new people and a new language to tackle.
I returned to the states a short three weeks after arriving in Douala for a number of reasons and grappled with a range of emotions from joy, to rage, to self-loathing but in retrospect, I am beyond pleased with my decision. I thought it important to look back on one year after leaving what I thought was my dream job and fit my ultimate goal of returning to Africa. As I reflect, I learned a few important lessons about myself, the world, and truly chasing your dreams.
1)Be prepared to be surprised: Albeit in a negative way, I was surprised by so many things. I was surprised by how simple it was to make my decision to pack up and move back to the States after my job proved unsatisfactory and disappointing. I was surprised that I had such a convicted spirit and trusted my gut, and decided to leave.
2)To Thine Own Self Be True: corny as it may seem, I realized that to stay with a school whose philosophy on women, sexuality, and Blackness differed so extremely from my own critical consciousness growth would be compromising who I was at my core. In order to maintain the amazing personal and professional growth I had obtained my senior year of college, I also had to stay true to myself, that path, and the places where I was headed. In honoring who I was at all the intersections of my identity, I could not remain in an environment that placed all those identities in conflict with each other.
3)Forgive and Readjust: without a doubt the most difficult lesson of which I am just not unraveling called me to forgive myself for leaving and quitting and to make steps to adjust to my new reality. I took a job as an Assistant Reading Teacher and gave of myself in the moments I barely could. Leaving Cameroon forced me to commit to a self-care routine involving a dive into yoga and mindfulness and that was perhaps the greatest event to come out of this. As I readjusted to living in Chicago again, I also kept making plans to return to Africa albeit in the next few months or in the long-run. I kept my dream at the forefront and engaged in other parts of my identity in the meantime. Keeping busy was my adjustment. Yoga and mindfulness were my adjustments. Reading and praying were my adjustments. And they paid off.
4) Trust yourself and invest in yourself: Trusting in my own abilities as a teacher and scholar and a long-term investment in my own career resulted in my new position as a History Teacher, Writer, Scholar and eventually legitimate blogger. Without a trust in my own ability and knowing that without settling I would return to Africa in time kept me sane. And then, came the notification that I had been selected as a Fulbright Scholar to return to Africa via Kenya. I was ecstatic and in shock, but mostly, I felt validated. Leaving Cameroon was best for me, because there was something better for me just one year away.
Lastly, I’ll leave with a phrase that has helped me on my journey from one year ago, until today .
“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason are heavy”- unknown
Always,
m
mariahgoesabroad 